Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
