Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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