My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
