I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
