dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Randomize
