I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Holy shit dude........stairs
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize
