i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
