I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Randomize
