I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
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