When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
