is your mom at the bar?
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
