I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Randomize
