My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Randomize
