this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
You have to summon your inner elephant
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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