I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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