she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
