Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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