you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
