I molested 6 butterflies tonight
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize
