I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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