So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
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