haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
