you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
