Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
