when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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