life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
