dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
what the fuck happened to the tacos
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