On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
