i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Randomize
