I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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