First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
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