Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Randomize
