capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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