Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Reggie can tackle my bush.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Randomize
