Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
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