she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
