I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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