I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
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