Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
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