Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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