I am puke
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
