I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
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