i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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