12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
