I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
