her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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