Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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