i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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