If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
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I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
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She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
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