I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Randomize
