my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
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Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
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We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
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