I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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