I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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