Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
