please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
What drink are we having for lunch?
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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